Dear Combe Incorporated,

I have recently been informed by several friends that age discrimination runs rampant through today's job search community.  Wrinkles, bald spots and grey hair are supposed indicators of an inability to work long hours, an unwillingness to work for lower wages and an outdated education or knowledge set.  Consequently, many of these friends have dyed their hair or shaved off their beards and mustaches altogether, and I have heard through family members of acquaintances who have gone so far as to endure Botox injections to smooth wrinkled brows.

Until today, I had managed to dismiss such concerns in relation to my own job search.  I reasoned -- perhaps naively, perhaps justly -- that if I could only get as far as an interview, the substantial amount of prematurely white whiskers hanging from my chin would be ignored once my professionalism and potential benefits to the organization became obvious.  However, the crushing weight of more than a years' worth of fruitless attempts to find a new career finally came to a head, and I decided this morning that a little cosmetic adjustment might be in order.

To that end, I purchased your product, Just For Men Brush-In Color Gel for Mustache, Beard & Sideburns.  Arriving home this evening, I followed the instructions exactly as printed, mixing equal parts of the solution, brushing them thoroughly into my beard, waiting 5 minutes and then rinsing and washing with a gentle shampoo.

The box advertises that your product "Targets only gray for a natural look."  From the results I experienced, I can only assume that this statement actually means that the product highlights the gray by darkening only the hairs that still have their original, natural color.  Instead of achieving the more youthful, vibrantly natural light brown that was my goal, I ended up with chestnut bordering white.  Rather than once again darkening the browns and intesifying the whites by attempting a second application, I instead opted to cut off my beard and begin afresh.

This of course revealed the moonlike appearance that can only be achieved by one who is both bald and devoid of facial hair, and has been overweight for several years.  Although I am now more babyfaced than before, this is not quite the age-defying look that was my goal.  While your company can not be blamed for my hilarious double chin, I do hold you accountable for failing to make good on your product's claims.  I would appreciate a full refund of the purchase price, and expect some response as to whether said refund will come from Combe Incorporated directly, or should be pursued with the fine retail establishment at which I made the purchase.

Sincerely,

[The Man]